


Radio Silence

by kirogaraii



Series: A Bitter Sweet World : ShuuKazu [15]
Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Acts of Kindness, Angst, Conversations, Gen, Getting to Know Each Other, I added the / tag but this isn’t a romantic fic, M/M, Nostalgia, Other, POV First Person, from the Shuu Iwamine Is Fucking Angsty series, just see for yourself, technically a fix-it fic but idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:41:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29608893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirogaraii/pseuds/kirogaraii
Summary: A small chukar partridge’s first memories of employment at Takaba Labs.Good memories? Bad memories?Where did it go wrong?
Relationships: Iwamine Shuu & Kawara Ryuuji, Iwamine Shuu/Kawara Ryuuji
Series: A Bitter Sweet World : ShuuKazu [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1623460
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Radio Silence

It must have been either December or January, of a year that isn’t precisely in my memory anymore. I remember white walls all around me in a mostly empty hallway. Doors to offices every few meters, and a row of chairs against the wall where I sat. Me, my cane, and only one folder of documents which was at least half my entire body’s size.

Everything I did was careful—I did not want attention from anybody. I would fondly gaze at the pristine lab coats of birds that passed by every now and then, and otherwise, I thought about the floor which was far beyond where my feet could reach, and the situation I was presently in.

I heard the echoing footsteps of another bird walk by me, but they didn’t walk past me. They stopped.

“Ahh! Are you one of those juniors that the Hawks have been recruiting recently? Amazing! Amazing…” The voice of a young man spoke to me.

“You are a… chukar partridge, right? So cool!”

I looked up to see a man has taken a seat right next to me. A radiant smile graced his young features, and he was shaking a finger as he made his assumptions about me. His hair was dark, his eyes glistened in a bright red. If I had to guess, he didn’t look much older than a college student.

“Hey, kiddo, what’s your name?”

He asked me enthusiastically, and I stared. I was silent. Out of nowhere my chest felt tighter and sweat began to form on the sides of my face. I would not let that show on my expression though. I merely stared at him with wide eyes… wide eye. My right eye was still in a state of recovery at the time.

That loud-voiced rock dove stared back at me in confusion.

“AH!” he suddenly leaned back and scratched the back of his head, embarrassed, “Ah wait, right, it’s probably unproper of me to ask without introducing myself first, right? Since I’m an adult and all— sorry, sorry—”

With a grin and a thumb to himself, he emoted with energy like I’ve never seen before. I listened intently to his words.

“My name is Ryuuji Kawara! I’m a researcher from the Life Science Research Division, it’s in the district over there…

Let’s see, well… I’m a rock dove, my blood type is A, I’m turning 20 in February, aaaaand…

Oh yeah, my last name should be easy to remember. It’s written the same as in  _ ‘kawara-bato’ _ you know?

What else…

I really like red wings, and gooey pudding… I have a lovely girlfriend, also?

But most importantly, I love helping out newbies, so if you ever have any concerns, don’t be afraid to ask!”

He huffed, “Whew! Is that how introductions usually go?”

Then leaned closer to me again, folding his hands apologetically, “Sorry if I startled you, haha. Please forgive me.”

I was still awestruck when he continued, everything was happening faster than my thoughts.

“So! Now's your turn! …What’s your name?”

He asked, and then added discreetly, “…or are you mute?”

“…!”

I swallowed spit. My turn now. I spoke as clearly as I could.

“No, I am not mute. My impairments are currently limited to eyesight and mobility.

Like you assumed, I am a student. Or… or a junior. I believe I have been labeled a member of the ‘young elite’ previously. I strive for higher education in biology at the moment, but I don’t have an assigned laboratory yet.”

I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but my body was trembling.

“I am a chukar partridge. I am 8 years old. My blood type is O. I have no family.

I’m very sorry for not answering right away, sir.”

_ —and wait what? 8 years old? He speaks like my boss, except, well…… nervously… _

It’s like I could hear his thoughts when he scanned me up and down. I clutched the cane in my grip.

“And your…?”

I blinked. I must have forgotten something… My name.

“My name, my name is…” I began but then trailed off, my eyes traveled back down to the floor again. Then, at the disguised stack of documents in my lap. I didn’t know how to explain it.

I turned my head in the other direction, up at the wall, at the sign next to the office I was waiting to be let into.

Broadly said, that was the identification office. These birds take care of passports, passport photos, birthdates, and more importantly, remaking and fabricating IDs.

Even though this place was openly advertising itself as a university of research of all sorts, some researchers preferred to use aliases, and some didn’t.

I didn’t have a name in the first place.

I wanted to fantasize that my life until now hasn’t happened, and today I would truly start anew. Rebirth. But while I spent the last few months—which blurred and blended together to the point where I couldn’t tell when was yesterday and when was a month ago—my head was only full of studies. I didn’t have the time to think about something like… A name.

As I stared thoughtlessly at that office door for a minute, the researcher named Kawara seemed to catch onto what I meant.

“…You don’t have a name yet, do you?”

“…Correct. I have the freedom to do whatever I want, but I don’t know what I want…”

“Hmmm.” Kawara put a finger to his chin and squinted, “Well, if I had the freedom to pick a name for myself, I’d make it something that I really like. Something that you could immediately recognize as yourself! I think the birds that pick out aliases for themselves sometimes name themselves after celebrities they like. Or make the initials the same as their birth name so it’s easy to memorize.”

“No.” I said quickly, “I don’t want any connection with my birth name.”

Kawara looked at me with empathy, but interest as well. At least looking back at it, those are the words I think could describe it. He looked down at me just like every other bird I’ve met, but rather than analyzing every inch of my body like a disease-ridden lab rat, he was simply relaxed. I didn’t know what to assume from a facial expression at that.

A smile appeared on the doctor’s face, “In thaaat case, what do you really like, buddy?”

My face was still frozen and emotionless. “…I…don’t know…”

“No way~ everyone has something they like? A food, an animal, a place that holds a special memory, even another bird… Think of a happy or simply pleasant memory. There’s got to be something.”

So I looked down and thought. I succumbed to my thoughts deeper and deeper, trying to remember something resemblant of what the doctor was describing. I don’t like food, I don’t particularly enjoy the presence of any bird. But maybe there was a time, a place, where instead of fear and distress I felt… calm.

A quiet whoosh began to rise in my ear.

When I tried to remember my first pleasant memory, it was not with anybody, or with any taste in my mouth. It was seeing the deep, vast, endless, blue ocean. I remembered seeing the pale sand and analyzing how it felt on my feet. The smell of salt stung my nose at first, but I quickly got used to it. But even more than the appearance, I became infatuated with what lies beyond and around it. Plant life that was so much different than in my home’s garden, strange crustaceans crawling near the shore, and empty shells.

The more I read about it and the more I learned about the magnificence of the ocean, the more my love for it grew.

I spent so much time there. And now, I barely remembered my love for it. Ever since the world has become grey.

“…And?” the doctor asked eventually.

I blinked, “Maybe there is one thing I remember.”

He smiled as I continued, “…Maybe I could craft one half of a name from that, but I still need a surname… Since that is what I will be mostly known as in these laboratories.”

“Can I ask you what that thing is, that you remember liking?”

I looked at him and he was looking back at me.

_ He is my superior, I thought, so I have no choice but to oblige. _

“The ocean.”

“The ocean…” Kawara crossed his arms and grinned, “That’s a cool choice. Really. Oceans are fascinating. Would you like to study marine biology one day?”

“I don’t know…”

“That’s alright, there’s still time to figure out. …A lot of time. You’re super young, hahaha!

Maybe your other name should be something other than what you ‘like’, and instead be… be something like…” he gestured with his hands poetically, “What do you like to be… perceived… as?”

I blinked. He blinked back.

“Too difficult of a sentence?”

“Yes.”

Kawara once again put a thumb to his chin in thought. Without thinking, I found myself doing the same thing—imitating the other bird’s gesture.

“You’re a student… a junior… but soon you’ll be something higher than that, right? You’ve got a long way to achieving a title like ‘doctor’ or ‘professor’… But maybe there's something you’re looking forward to in the future? What are you looking forward to?”

“Researching. I want to learn. Keep learning.”

“And how do you think you’ll get there? Where will you go? How will you keep learning?”

“I’ll need a teacher. I’ll need… a guide.”

Ryuuji hushed into a whisper,

“Just between you and me, aimlessly studying in the school here isn’t a very good idea. You seem like a bright fella, and if you keep wandering around here you might just get taken somewhere and end up getting your talents wasted on some field of research that you won’t even like. I kind of learned that from experience. Especially when it comes to  _ wunderkinder _ … children don’t live long around here.”

I gulped, but hoped that I still put up a brave exterior. I believed every word he said, because it’s not like I had a reason not to. He was the adult.

“How about becoming an assistant?” he suggested.

“Assistant?” I asked.

“You’re pursuing higher education in biology, so I can already tell you’re not just anybirdie. I’m a biologist too.”

“You are?!” I think I may have said that with too much awe and impression, because Kawara just giggled, and made me embarrassed.

“Yup yup, Biology, geology, dabbling in other things like ethology and pathology, a lot of logy’s. LiSciRe is the best division for researchers that are interested in several things and don’t know where to settle on.”

“That sounds really good.”

“It is! So how about this…” he had a bit of a mischievous tone, “I’m gonna become the head of the division soon. So how about this, you’re gonna get all your documents and all your degrees, and then you’ll request to be employed at the LiSciRe division. Life Science Research Division. You’ll be an assistant, and we’ll figure things out from there.”

“I see. I see, but… it’ll at least take… a few more months until I’ll be able to graduate.”

“Oh don’t worry, I’m not goin’ anywhere! I don’t think I’ll ever leave this place, regardless of what you choose.” he said, “But if you do choose to join LiSciRe, I’ll be ecstatic to have you.”

“…Okay. I’ll keep your offer in mind… Doctor Kawara.”

“I’m glad… Whatever your name will be then-kun!”

And like that, the dove disappeared. He left a pamphlet behind as well as a card with his contact information on it. It had coffee stains and was written partially in glitter gel pens, but I could still read it somehow.

And like that, I found the word I was looking for—“Isa”. That’s the name that the doctor planted in my mind, and I found it fitting.

More birds passed, and the months did too. I quickly adjusted to the new studies presented before me. Back then, it felt like a miraculous and unconditional gift. The Hawks offered me a place to live, things to eat, a new name, the offer to study whatever I want. I didn’t even realize what the ‘catch’ in it all was. I didn’t until many years later.

I cling onto those memories every day. Those must’ve been the… happiest years of my life, and I took them entirely for granted.

I remember those times. Kawara’s attitude towards me has always left me confused and unsure. My brain could not fathom the idea of someone treating me with care. Someone who was curious about not the work I do, but about me as a person. It didn’t make sense.

“You don’t like being around other birds, do you?”

He asked me one day during lunch break. At that point, I had already received my own lab coat, which was still a few sizes too big. The place where we ate lunch was also a place of gathering, but the two of us sat far back and away from the rows of occupied chairs.

“I suppose so.” I answered.

“Hmm… Are you scared of them, or are you annoyed?”

“What is the purpose of this question?”

“I’m plain curious, Isa-kun.”

“…I suppose…” I looked at the distant silhouettes of talking and laughing scientists ahead of us. “Maybe a bit of both.”

“That’s interesting.” Kawara stuffed a rice ball into his mouth and added, “And why’s that?”

I did not enjoy psychiatric evaluations, let alone by Ryuuji Kawara. But it wouldn’t be beneficial to deny him, and so…

“…I don’t like doing things that I’m not good at, or participating in a conversation if I don’t have meaningful input on the topic. But, it feels like everybirdie else feels the opposite way. They talk on and on about things that I don’t understand. Seeing that I’m confused, they start to look at me like I’m a source of discomfort. I have no reason to stick around.

I don’t feel any need to stay in touch with birds that have nothing of value for me.”

“Hmm…” Kawara judged me with a squinting eye. “What do you consider as being ‘things of value’ in birds?”

“…Knowledge and opportunities. I would like to offer my skills and my labor in exchange for those things. I want to learn more about science and biology. I won’t get there if I spend my time talking with co-workers that have nothing important to say.

But…”

“But?”

“That’s not all there is to it… I think I’m scared too. When I’m around more than one person at a time, every sound starts to feel amplified, coming from all directions. I hear every sound in the room at the same volume, and my heart starts speeding up. When I look at a group of people around me, their faces start to blur together and disappear. Everyone looks the same. Sometimes I would even get nauseous and have a feeling of vertigo.”

“Mm, sounds like anxiety then. Stress.”

“Yes, stress. But I don’t understand why. I don’t think I care about what other people think and what they think of me, but at the same time, I am stressed when I start to feel like I don’t perform well. The more they stare, the more panic I feel.

Sometimes I go into this state…”

“What kind?”

“…When I am overwhelmed by social interaction, my body and mind freezes. It’s not like the paralysis that I have in my injured side, it’s more like a… mental paralysis. I am awake and I think in my head, but I can’t rip myself from this frozen state for another few minutes.

I used to get in trouble… for this…”

“You got in trouble for being scared?”

“I got in trouble for acting wrong… Yes, acting wrong. That’s how I can summarize it. I am acting wrong in social situations, so I don’t like it.

It feels like everyone was born knowing what to say at which beat in the conversation, they had some built-in manual in their brain, but I just do not. And when they were still alive, my relatives would hurt me every time I did wrong things. They never wanted to see what I am good at, and only made me do things that I dislike, so in their eyes I was a plain waste of an existence.”

There was silence. I got too much into my head and overshared- ironically proving what I was just talking about. I immediately felt embarrassed, but scared as well. Kawara was silent and I could not look up to see what kind of expression he bore.

“I’m sorry. That’s not what you wanted to hear from m-”

“No no, Isa-kun…” he interrupted me, putting a finger to his chin, “That actually explains a lot. I think I understand now.”

“You… You do?”

“Yeah, from what you’re saying, it sure sounds like you had a tough childhood. Your reactions to socializing are definitely understandable. I mean… One day, you’ll need to overcome them, because you’ll be thrust into adulthood and expected to have all your shit figured out, but there’s still a long way until then. Being a brilliant scientist won’t get you far if you won’t be able to at least fake a smile in the workplace every now and then.

I’ll help you when the time comes! I’ll happily guide you there.

Also…”

“Yes?”

I flinched when I felt his hand on my shoulder.

“You don’t need to be friends with birds that have ‘nothing of value’ for you. I don’t think anyone wants that. Nobirdie wants to be in touch with birds that have nothing in common with them. That’s normal, Isa-kun. You’re not abnormal for feeling like this.”

Not abnormal, he said. Those words stuck to me to this day, and I remember his voice when he said that so clearly. It was the first time in my short life that someone understood, and didn’t make me feel like an alien.

Not abnormal…

“But truthfully, in order to really know a bird, you need to talk to them more than once, so you shouldn’t be so judgmental. A scientist that specializes in… optical weapons and fashion and art could have a lot in common with you, but you just need to give them a chance.”

“…I see…”

He smiled and gave my head a firm pat. “Awright!” he hopped off the table he’s been sitting on top off this whole time and made his way in the direction of the labs, “Break is over soon, so let’s go back!”

It was the first time I opened up about my feelings and was told that I am not abnormal.

What I didn’t know however, is that it was gonna be the last time I met a bird that reacted that way.

After his passing, I never met another bird that didn’t react to my outlook on life with abhorrence.

Not that I blame them for it.

There were more moments like this.

As a young researcher, I didn’t really have the obligation to meet with large numbers of birds at a time, only the birds within my own division. But there was one day that stuck with me, when Kawara hosted a… some kind of party. Maybe a birthday party, and a bird began to talk with us. I couldn’t have been older than 12 back then.

I remained close to the doctor’s arm and tried to not maintain eye contact with anyone in the crowded room. I already felt the urge to sneak out as fast as possible and go back to the office, but then…

“And who are you, little guy?” That bird looked down on me smiling.

I looked up at her in return, “…I am Isa.”

“Oh wow! I’ve never seen you before. Is that your son, Kawara?”

“Nooo! My son is only two! I mean, it’d be kind of impressive if he were a researcher at Takaba, but… Hey, Isa-kun’s already been here for a few years. So nothing is impossible.”

“How old are you, Isa?”

“Um…… I think I’m 12.”

“You don’t know for sure?!” that bird did a shocked face, for some reason it annoyed me to the core. Their voice was obnoxiously screechy for no reason. “Ohh, I get it, you’re one of those young elites that the Hawks hire as little children. Alright.”

Their reaction made me feel weird. “Why did you say it like that?”

“Oh, um, well, you’re kind of… You know… You’re… uh…… _ Kawara?? _ ”

They looked at the doctor beggingly, and he seemed a little troubled too.

“Well, Isa,” he turned to me with an unsure expression that tried to be a smile, “You’re one of very few children that have gotten this far, so it’s impressive to our co-worker that you’re here. He’s really smart you know?” Ryuuji turned to them while pointing at me, “Isa-kun is really a bright kid! His memory is crazy good!”

“What do you mean with ‘it is impressive that I’ve gotten this far’, doctor?” I asked.

“Well, well you know… When it comes to birds your age, the Hawks…”

The doctor and the other bird looked at each other. Then, the doctor crouched down to half-whisper in my ear.

“You know this… The Hawks employ young birds, and if they’re gifted in  _ some _ regards, they either go to the labs as researchers, or go to the labs as… patients.

You’re smart enough to have gotten the first option though! Haha, and… your disabilities wouldn’t have made you a good, exemplary guinea pig.”

“…Oh, right. Yes.” I said calmly, because I had no reason not to be.

“Yup! It’s a completely normal part of the procedure…” The doctor got back up and stretched.

“Hey, Isa-kun,” that other bird started talking again. This was getting bothersome. “You’re a bit of a shut-in aren’t you? Did you just wake up before getting here?”

“…” I really didn’t know what to say.

Ryuuji responded in my stead, “Eh, Isa-kun is always a bit lethargic. He’s very happy to be here!”

“No I’m not.”

He continued, “He’s not gonna be here for long, but he wanted to come by to see what the party is like for a few minutes!”

That bird looked down at me, clearly grinding some gears behind their eyes. I hated that stare. That judgmental face. This is exactly what I meant when I talked to the doctor before. I was starting to feel cold in my limbs.

“Boys your age are usually a bit more, you know… energetic. At least… No, I don’t think you being a partridge has got anything to do with it. Little boys are usually interested in things like rockets and comic books and… stuff.”

“I like rockets.” I said because I do. “Spacecrafts are interesting.”

“Well I see, but see, it… It’s a different kind of ‘liking’ that I’m talking about. Boys that like rockets usually like them because they’re fast and flashy, and think about green aliens in the sky, and that’s what makes them like it.”

“The universe is vast enough that there is a definite possibility that we are not the only beings that live in cultures and are capable of using tools. There has not been officially disclosed information that extraterrestrials exist among us… but unofficially, top secret files say otherwise… I would love to see a real alien. I wonder how it’s body would react to earthly elements. I wonder if it would even survive in our atmosphere, or be able to breathe the same air as us. I’d like to learn their language or otherwise means of communication, too… But I don’t think LiSciRe will receive any alien specimens any time soon, because we are a second rate department.”

The doctor looked at me, and that bird looked at me too. Was that a wrong answer?

“See…! You’re interested in aliens for a much different reason than kids are! If I asked my little cousin what they think of aliens, he’d say that aliens shoot laser guns and have four eyes and tentacles. And that martians are red-colored little bipeds. Do you see what I mean?”

“…You’re saying that your cousin is dumb?”

Doctor Kawara and the other researcher bursted out laughing, but I was still confused. And embarrassed. I hate pointless questions and conversations.

“Not really, well… I’m saying that you two are on totally different wavelengths! You’re so mature it’s crazy. And LiSciRe isn’t just any division, you’re standing next to the most gifted scientist in the world and you’re able to just have an intellectual conversation with him. Isn’t that crazy?”

“…I don’t know if it’s crazy, but I feel lucky and glad to work in the same labs as him.”

“…Ahh, Isa… Well, maybe one day you’ll understand.”

“What? What do I not understand?” I was starting to get impatient, “Why are you starting a conversation and asking me aimless questions and then laugh and change your mind when I’m trying to understand what you’re saying? I’m sure I’ll understand. Just tell me upfront what you want from me.”

Doctor Kawara looked down at me analytically and crossed his arms. Of course, he took this moment to study me.

The other researcher stammered a little bit and ran a hand through their hair. “Ahh geez, I didn’t want to start a big dilemma, ah man…”

They looked around and then back down at me, still wearing that stupid nervous smile on their face.

“Well, the way you’re acting… You know, since we birds evolved really quickly, our brains underwent large changes, and it’s common for many individuals to have little… quirks, at best. I just thought the way you’re acting… it’s like you have a developmental disorder, or something of the sort.”

“…Developmental disorder…? You mean things like Vision impairment, hearing loss, or muscular dystrophy?”

“Uhh, I’m talking more ‘social’ in that regard. But maybe I’m just seeing things. You are in quite an abnormal place, so I guess all of us are kind of wacky in the head, haha!”

“Ahahahaha!”

The doctor and his friend both laughed along and changed the topic as if it was nothing. Truth be told, the event quickly disappeared from my mind and I entirely forgot that that conversation took place.

Every now and then, small memories of the Takaba Labs pop up in my head, and I sometimes don’t have the energy to cancel them and think about something else. I get sucked into nostalgia which leaves me unfulfilled and empty, similarly to watching a movie, and still sitting there even after the credits have passed.

When I saw Nanaki over these last few months, his image to me has slowly become more and more colorful. His undying curiosity and trust in me, I suppose I mistook it for something more than workplace respect.

When I told him what I said to Kawara all these years ago, in an instant, his face began to blur and look like everybody else’s. Fear and abhorrence. What he told me is that I’m “abnormal”. A dull, repetitive word that has lost its meaning along the way.

I recall that scene in my head over and over again, and try to convince myself that that’s all there is to it, and I simply wasted my time with another boring bird that has nothing of value to me, and only sees me as an abnormal deviant.

But I can’t help… I can’t help but feel strange.

I thought that out of everyone in this school, he would be the one to understand. Through repeated interaction, I got the impression that he liked me, because he isn’t very fond of other birds either.

But that is all there was to it, isn’t it?

I lie awake in my bed at night and think about these scenes. Nanaki’s face reappears in my head. Kawara’s voice reappears in my head. Frustration fills my chest.

I grit my teeth and repress the urge to…

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! ^_^
> 
> Oh by the way, the first part (out of three parts) of this fic is actually an idea I had all the way LAST SPRING, and I actually initially wanted to visualize it with a comic. Writing is easier for me though, and it’s mostly dialogue, so.


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